Now I can’t even talk correctly.
Last night, I was trying to talk to Mr. Nate about yogurt parfaits. Yogurt! And instead, my conversation went something along the lines of, “I should buy some granola for your… your ugh… ugh… the ugh… it’s creamy… the ugh… oh man, what’s it called!?! It’s white…”
And my poor husband is shouting out answers like, “Icecream! Milk… Lotion!”
Seriously, our marriage has become a reality game show. Who knew that having a simple conversation could be so difficult!
Oh, and don’t get me started on numbers. Someone just mentions the word “math”, and I drop into the fetal position. Please, PLEASE, don’t ask me to add or subtract numbers anything bigger than would be appropriate for a first grader. I’m a mom… My brain is on an extended vacation.
I seriously can’t remember anything. If I don’t park in the same spot at the grocery store each week, game over! I’m that woman pretending to chat on her phone while walking up and down the parking lot, trying to find her missing car.
(Wait, you haven’t done that before? Oh the fun that you’re missing)!
Don’t worry, I fully utilize the panic button on my key fob if necessary as well. In fact, I know that other moms use theirs to find lost cars as well (let’s be honest, ladies), so we might as well rename the fob’s function. Forget “panic button” or “car alarm button” and call it what it is… It’s a “mom lost the car” button. In fact, instead of beeping obnoxiously, the car should respond by calling out, “Here I am, Gorgeous!”
I’ll take any compliment that I can get! And basically any help that I can get too…
I at least used to have my little boy fooled into thinking that I had everything under control, because – let’s face it – little boys think that their moms know absolutely everything. But now that he’s the mature age of three, he knows better. Just the other night, I was trying to give him and his screaming sister a bath. (Baby screaming just adds to mom confusion, I find). I consoled Princess K, saying, “It’s okay, Baby. Mama will bring you upstairs to get a bottle in a minute if you can just calm down.”
“Mama,” B-Boy corrected, shaking his head. “We already upstairs!”
Thanks for pointing out the obvious, my child.
His new favorite thing to say is “Mama, you silly!” when mommy brain strikes, and I do something ridiculous And trust me, ridiculous follows me around these days like a shadow, so it’s a good thing that I can laugh at myself.
Case in point…
I had a meeting recently with someone of social status. Let’s just say that I wanted to make a really good impression. I’m talking trading out my typical attire of boot-cut jeans and flannel for black slacks, heels, pretty blouse, and a cardigan that was the perfect balance of feminine and business. I was the image of confidence when I stepped into the woman’s office.
*I am woman, hear me roar*
(Why is it that everytime I use that line, I’m leading into a really embarrassing story?).
Anyway, the meeting went really well, and I drove home in high spirits. Once back at my house, I eagerly ran through the meeting with my husband, telling him all the details. Then I froze. I had been just bending down to pull off my cute heels, when I felt a piece of fabric just peeking out at the bottom of my pant hemline.
So you know how sometimes, after washing and drying clothes, a drier sheet gets stuck to an item; and you find it later when you’re unfolding a towel or trying on a pair of pants?
Well, apparently, this can happen with underwear.
And – after doing laundry – a piece of my underwear had apparently been stuck in my pant leg and worked its way down to my ankles. That is where it – thank you, Jesus – caught on my shoes and only ever-so-slightly ducked below my pant’s hemline.
You guys, I went through an interview and walked out of an office with underwear dangling out of the bottom of my pant leg.
THIS! This is why a mom NEEDS to look in the mirror before heading out the door. Or why she should actually look at her clothes when she’s putting them on…instead of blindly throwing things on her body while she’s also trying to watch a little boy and a baby. THIS is what happens when a woman is subjected to mom brain.
You know how they say that one’s life can flash before their eyes? This happened to me in that moment… Except I imagined – in a split second – all of the ways I would have reacted to underwear dropping out of my pants during an important meeting with a businesswoman that I wanted to impress.
Like maybe I would have just stopped, dropped, and rolled on top of it. (Embarrassing… but still less embarrassing than scattering intimate clothing onto an office floor). Or I’d freeze in place, stepping on top of it and pretending to receive a very important phone-call that would conveniently keep me standing there until the woman had to leave for a drink of water… Or I could have dramatically shouted, “What’s that?!” And when the interviewer was turned, I could have quickly kicked the underwear into a nearby potted plant.
All these ideas rushed through my mind as I was standing there in my kitchen and holding a piece of underwear that I had just pulled out of my pant leg. Because had this happened, it would have gone down as the most embarrassing moment of my life. And trust me, my list of embarrassing moments is pretty long and juicy.
I could write a book! Or at least a ridiculously long blog post…
Mom brain. It’s terrifying. It’s hilarious. It’s real.
And so far, it isn’t getting any better. Oh thank goodness my kids are cute! 🙂 They make every single one of these moments worth it!!!