Mama Has Gas

We had a three day snowstorm last weekend that was grossly underrated and which left us with roughly two FEET of snow.  And this mama was NOT prepared.  Never mind the bread and the eggs I probably should have stocked up on beforehand,  we were dangerously close to using up the last of our coffee stash.

(I’m not kidding, if we had run out, I would have ventured out in waste-deep snow with cereal boxes strapped to my feet like makeshift snowshoes, and I would have found coffee… or died trying).

Priorities…

Anyway, in the midst of December’s Snowmageddon, my hard-working husband was outside clearing our driveway when the snowblower shuddered, took one final gasp, and died.  Fuel…empty.  And I could see that Nate still had to clear a decent amount of snow, including the end where the plows had come through and pushed a small mountain onto the driveway’s edge.  So I ran into the basement to grab our spare jug of gasoline.

After retrieving the can, I opened the kitchen door – swirling wind and snow suddenly smacking me in the face – to place it onto the porch for my husband.  And before I could react, my son eagerly stuck his face outside as well and innocently – but very loudly – yelled out to my husband, “Mama has gas!”

I’d say that I was mortified, but I don’t know that anything shocks my neighbors anymore.  Also, to be honest, five years into raising my son, very little shocks me anymore either.  

I pulled my boy back into the house, and – as I was closing the kitchen door behind me – I noticed the outline of gasoline in the thin, red tank.  It was low.  There was just over an inch of sludge at the bottom of the can, and I wondered if that would be enough to help my husband finish clearing all the snow.  Suddenly all of my needs (and the needs of my family) were relying on this bit of fuel.

Just like so many needs of my family are often relying on me.

Hmmm, Mama has gas…

Or does she?

Here’s the thing…  I adore being a mom.  I really, truly do.  I value it as the most precious responsibility that I have ever been charged with, and nothing fills my heart more than those two little children.  I love them more than anything else in this entire world.  But there are moments when the cost of pouring out catches up to me.  And my tank starts to feel a little empty.

Acting in love when a child you adore looks up at you and responds in anger or disobedience takes something.  Balancing a full schedule on little sleep takes something.  Comforting and soothing away hurt takes something.  Always doing and never stopping to rest takes something.  Feeling as though you’re the one who has to hold it all together until a hard situation resolves itself and everything feels safe, normal, and routine again… takes something.

Taking care of and nurturing – as much as it fills our mommy hearts – does also require us to give emotionally and physically.

There are days that I feel like supermom, because it all came together.  And then there are the days when it’s just hard.  When I don’t feel worthy of the pedestal my adoring children have placed me on, because I feel as though I failed them.  When I’m so tired that I’m not sure what hurts worse, my body or my heart.

I need space and time to be alone… but I feel lonely.

I need just two minutes without little hands grabbing at me… but I need to be held.

I’m tired of being asked “why”… but I long for someone to talk to who ‘gets it’.

As moms, we too often forget that as selfless and self-sacrificing as we’re willing to be, we can’t function if we’re empty.  I’m talking basic human needs that we too often go without, because we’ve pushed ourselves so far onto the back burner.  Like proper nutrition.  Sleep.  A bit of alone time.  Encouragement.  Companionship.  Maybe even some mascara, eyeliner, and a cute outfit once in awhile.

We stop realizing that we’re even worth those things.

(… to be continued).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11 thoughts on “Mama Has Gas

  1. Just something I needed to read! Zack has been working everyday but Sunday and doesn’t get home until after the kids are in bed so it’s been full time mommy all by myself…let’s just say this mama is running low on her gas!

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    1. That’s tough, especially since you’re so pregnant! I remember Nate picked up a ton of hours just after my C-section with Kaitlyn, so – instead of having the summer off as planned – he now only had one week off after her birth. I was like, “Wait, what?!? This is NOT okay.” Ha, ha! It is not easy being a mama to begin with, never mind when our husbands are pulled away. That is a LOT! I’m coming off of a really empty stage, and it is not easy… Praying you are filled with such renewed energy and strength, my friend! And I’ll be in touch, because maybe there’s something I can do to help. I know you’re already in a busy stage and it’s only going to get a bit busier for awhile. Precious… but busy!

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      1. That must have been tough! Zack can’t take his week off until January and is only taking the day of the birth off so it’ll be a bit stressful at first! And being that I’m type A need everything perfect and right all the time…I really need to let go f some of my expectations and it’s let the days roll! House doesn’t need to be perfect and kids don’t need to be dressed every day lol

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      2. Yes, exactly!! With a newborn, you just have to enjoy the moments and realize there will come a time when you will be able to clean again and have everyone clothed again. Enjoy the snuggles and down time if you can!! 🙂 It’s a beautiful time, for sure!

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  2. Wow Nicole! This is so perfectly timed, and such an eyeopening reminder……. I have been struggling in the last several weeks, with Matt traveling and gone most of the time for work, trying to juggle working more than 40 hours a week, the four kids, our new puppy, and the household, I was really feeling drained….. But God in His glory met me where I was at. Thanks for these well written, encouraging loving words, from one exhausted momma to another

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and for letting me share my heart with you. You are SUCH an incredible mama, but I can only imagine how exhausted you must get. Praying you feel a renewed sense of energy and peace going into the holiday season. AND that you find moments that fill you and remind you that you matter too, as you’re busy juggling everything else! xoxo

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  3. Hahah I am cracking up at that meme and I relate! When I was at school in Indiana me and my two suite-mates shoveled my car out in subzero weather to go to iHOP because we were craving pancakes so badly. We took turns with little tools we had (not shovels, I think we used cups- and boiling hot water to try to melt the snow- which then turned to ice). We did get our pancakes though, even with a side of frostbite! Lol.

    On a more serious note— wow. The rest of this post gave me chills. I know I’ve said it a hundred times, but you are so gifted with words. Thank you for always being honest and vulnerable and objective too. You are one of the most genuine individuals I “know”. Have a beautiful, lovely and fun Christmas (hopefully filled with small gifts of rest too).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha, ha, ha!!! That pancake story is awesome and totally something that I’d do for coffee… LOL! Hey, when a girl wants pancakes, a girl wants pancakes!
      Thank you SO much for those kind words! Wow, they mean a lot!! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Mackenzie. xoxo

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  4. I needed to read this today, Nicole! When I saw the title, I was thinking it had to be something funny, but also have a great point because that’s so you–you’re amazing at connecting the tough and funny moments of life into such a beautiful post on how sometimes us moms are e-m-p-t-y!

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